Just how big is your family going to be now?

Has always been hard enough to keep track of all those uncles, cousins, step-parents and so forth, and now you have to explain who's who to everyone and there are twice as many - oye! This is a great time to set up an online family tree on one of the many free genealogy sites, my favorite is www.geni.com. And just tell everyone to look you up!

But we were doing you a favor!

"We gave you some extra cocktail tables, at no charge"... now you don't have enough floral arrangements for all the tables.
"We upgraded one of the hors d'oeuvre, instead of the tenderloin on toast we are giving you baby lamb chops." Translation: we had extra lamb chops from last nights party, chef could save on food costs.
"Chef wasn't happy with the quality of the crab for the crabcakes, so he upgraded you to shrimp brochettes." Too bad the bride is deathly allergic to shrimp.
"We moved your reception from the Petite Salon to the Grande Salon, at no extra cost to you." So another event needed the Petite Salon. Yes, the Grande is nicer, but now your guests are walking through the public lobby to get from cocktails to dinner (btw, before you signed your contract did you strike the clause that allows the venue to reassign rooms at their sole discretion? It is on EVERY hotel contract, and it should ALWAYS be striked.)

Bottom line, when they are a surprise, "favors" are NEVER good. You should know exactly what you are getting. And make sure you tell your vendors "no surprises."

On After Parties

Here's an article about after-parties in which I am quoted a couple times. It was written by Julie Onofrak for the Columbia News Service, and appeared in several papers across the country, including the Vermont Sunday Magazine and AZ Central.

Happily-ever-after parties follow the usual reception

April 27, 2008

By JULIE ONUFRAK Columbia News Service

Last summer, Kelly Rix was in the midst of planning her wedding. She and her fiancé, André Foisy, arranged a traditional Catholic ceremony and an elegant reception at Wellington House, a historic mansion in Fayetteville, N.Y. They then rented inflatable sumo wrestling suits and a giant inflatable Twister board.

"I think it's the thing that he is looking forward to the most about this whole wedding now," Rix wrote of Foisy on her blog in July. "He keeps telling all of his friends about it."

The unconventional rentals were not for the wedding itself but for the after-party.

When Rix and Foisy's reception ended at 5 p.m., a school bus shuttled guests to the home of the best man's mother, where a barbecue and a keg were waiting in the back yard. As it turned out, the rental company providing the sumo wrestling suits and Twister board never showed up, but about 120 of the 150 wedding guests did.

A bonfire was lit on the unseasonably cold evening, and guests ate and talked until 11 p.m. "A lot of people commented that they loved the way it worked," said Rix, 28. "It gave everyone a full day of spending time with each other."

A growing number of couples are choosing to extend their wedding celebrations well into the evening (or sometimes the early morning) with after-parties. While the degree of planning involved in the after-party varies, the goal is the same: to give newlyweds more time to spend with friends and family they may not get to see very often.

It's also a way to show off a couple's personality and to invite a few additional guests who may not have been invited to the wedding. And as weddings grow larger and grander, many couples see after-parties as just another fun add-on.

"There has always been the group of guests that continues the celebration (sometimes with, sometimes without the couple) after the reception," Anna Pezik, senior editor of Brides.com, wrote in an e-mail interview. "What's new is the level of planning that is being put into the after-party. Couples are hiring DJs, caterers, creating themed décor … it's an encore celebration after the reception."

According to the Bridal Association of America's 2006 Wedding Report, the average age at marriage continues to climb, currently 26 for brides and 28 for grooms. That can make for more disposable income, and choices that may go beyond the traditional.

"If you wanted to have a full-fledged party in a separate space, with new music, slightly new décor, and a little bit of food, for let's say a hundred people," said Robyn Goldberg, a wedding planner in Los Angeles, "you're talking a couple thousand dollars, up to about $5,000."

The after-party is a chance to get creative.

"As far as the theme goes, it's something that's going to be different from the reception," said Katie Olson, a wedding planner in Kansas City, Mo. "If you're going to have a nightclub vibe at the reception, the after-party will be more relaxed. If you're having a more relaxed reception, maybe you'll have a nightclub vibe for the after-party."

Options also vary depending on the location of the wedding. In Montana, guests might exit a winter wedding in sleighs built for 20, or have s'mores and hot toddies in a lodge, said Katalin Green, a wedding planner in Bozeman, Mont. "We even do rodeo after-parties as a wrap-up the next day," she said.

In California's Napa Valley, where city ordinances demand that receptions end early, guests might gather on the wraparound porch of the inn where they're staying and have pizza and beer, according to Carol Rothman of Glorious Weddings in San Francisco.

Some wedding planners say couples need to be careful in extending "Wedding Crashers"-style revelry if an after-party may involve another several hours of alcoholic beverages. At the reception, "I suggest closing the bar at least an hour before the music ends," said Goldberg. Many couples try to avoid problems by providing their guests with transportation back to the hotels where they are staying.

Part of the draw of a sleigh ride or a rodeo is, of course, its novelty. Some see after-parties themselves as a way for couples to set their weddings apart. "They're wanting to personalize it," said Anja Winikka, associate editor of WeddingChannel.com. "This after-party is that extra edge. It's not cookie-cutter."

The after-party may also be a way to include people who were not invited to the reception due to space or cost, or simply because they are not that close to the couple.

"We tried to discourage people from bringing their kids to the reception if they weren't immediate family," said Kelly Rix. She created an after-party invitation that noted — hint, hint — "Children are welcome at the after-party" and stuck it in with the wedding invitation.

Anita Lee, 27, who was married last August, invited her fellow bloggers at WeddingBee.com to the karaoke bar after-party only, knowing they would understand that she had to limit the invitees to the wedding itself. "They just appreciate being invited to celebrate with you in any way," she said.

What's more, many couples don't have an urge to run off and be alone after the wedding; they'd rather spend time with friends and family. "Most people are already living together," said Richard Newton of his clients at Atelier Weddings in New York. "So the novelty of that bridal night doesn't exist anymore."

"We wanted everyone to know that it was a party, a celebration of us coming together," Lee said. "Not just us, but our whole network, including family and friends."

Just who do you want to give your email address to?

Weddings, an $80 billion industry. And there are hundreds of thousands of vendors, and they all want your business, and they will be aggressive about getting it.
Do yourself a favor, create a new email address (or two, his and hers) just for your wedding. And then, after your wedding, presto and it's gone, no more daily emails from that company that makes wedding bubbles.

Don't always depend on the wedding experts (self included!)

It's a natural tendency to get the information you need from the wedding experts. But often, you will find better information elsewhere. For example, if you want cigar rollers, go the a cigar forum (Cigar Aficionado has an excellent forum). Not surprisingly, cigar fans will happily volunteer assistance. Foodies can be a great help when you are deciding on a menu (I'm always visiting www.epicurious.com), and my local liquor store is who I would consult with if I had to pick the perfect Champagne for my wedding (well, anniversary since I'm already married.) For men's attire, I like GQ and Details.

Best of all, if you follow the non-wedding-pro advice, there is much less of a chance that your wedding will look like the one a guest read about in last month's Modern Bride!

Lines in Your Guest Book

Recently a bride provided a guest book that was quite beautiful, and each page was lined. The guests, a nice group of people, did what they thought they should do, what was implied by the lines. They neatly wrote their names right on the lines.

Get a book with blank pages. A page with lines suggests neat and concise. A blank page, on the other hand, suggests creativity. It will invite your guests to express themselves with thoughts that you will treasure much more than just the names.

BTW, the book will probably come with a pretty pen. Bring some extra pens.

How to print escort cards and place cards

First, what's the difference? Escort cards tell people which table they will be at, and are usually placed on a table outside of the dining area, accessible to guests as they arrive. Place cards are at each place setting, telling guests which seat is theirs.

I am not at all opposed to using a laser printer. But be careful with fonts. Here's a test: select a font. Reduce it by a third (for example, if it was 18 points, bring it down to 12. ) Print a test card (don't use an obvious name) and then take it into a fairly dark room. Ask someone to read it. If they can't easily do so, you need to change the font and increase the size. Remember, at the wedding people might not be wearing their glasses, it might be dark, and placecards will be spread across a table. Don't let it be a challenge for guests to find their placecards.

In this picture, the table numbers are clear and easy to read, the the font and dark brown ink match the style of the menu cards (which in turn matched the invitations.) One final note: once the guests have found their tables, the service staff should remove the numbers.

Hard versus easy choices - is your planner doing the right thing?

I like easy choices, but it's the hard choices that make a difference. Therefore if follows that when you are selecting the right vendors, your choices should be difficult. If you are working with a planner, and the choices are easy and obvious, your planner is not doing his or her job.

Imagine two caterers, caterer A is great and caterer B is far from great. It's an easy choice. But why were you even considering B? Because it makes it appear that the planner is doing their job, and it makes it easy for you to believe that you are making the right choice.

You should struggle a bit with your decision. The struggle will force you to consider all the factors. If it's a caterer, you will want to consider culinary styles, presentation, service, experience and references, costs, overall company culture and a variety of other factors. Only then should you think about signing the contract.

I hate waiting in line...

...and therefore I hate receiving lines. They are so time consuming, and everyone waits. They are also (imo) old fashioned. You are much better off making the rounds to greet your guests at the reception, do make it a point to welcome each guest.

OK, so you decide you must. Practice moving the line along with a quick word and then turning to the next guest. Just keep in mind that your wedding will probably last 300 minutes, and you want to savor each one.

Not all florists are great at sales....

ditto musicians, photographers, chefs, and almost anyone else who services a wedding. And often these same people are immensely skilled at their craft. I don’t like it one bit, but it’s a reality. It’s too bad, because I have often seen clients pick the less than ideal vendor because of a poor presentation, proposal or sales pitch (there is an exception that I will get to later.)

So what’s the solution? There are a couple things to look for and do:

1. Do they come across as knowledgeable and passionate about their work? and about you as a potential client?
2. Does their workspace have a good vibe?
3. Are they polite?
4. Are their references favorable?
5. Do they return calls and are they on time? (a failure to do so is not poor salesmanship so mach as lacking an essential skill, not to mention courtesy)

Here’s the exception. If your contact person is a hired saleperson, they should possess all the traditional sales skills. If they don’t, it reflects upon the competence of the salesperson AND the person who hired them, be it the owner or General Manager.

Conversely, don’t be swayed by the brilliant salesperson. Also a good reason to check references…. did the vendor deliver on the promises?

In the end, you have to go with your gut…. just be willing to do a bit more homework before signing the deal.

About Tastings - Part 1

What’s a tasting worth? Part 1 – Before you sign the contract.

There are two kinds of tastings: the first one, the one that I will talk about today, is when you have not yet signed a contract, and the tasting is part of the sales effort. In my next post I will talk about the tasting that happens after the contract is signed.

In the book “Garlic and Sapphires”, Ruth Reichl, the ex New York Times Restaurant critic tells about the disguises she used on the job. Although she was incognito, you will not be so at your tasting. They will know you are coming, and they will be prepared to enchant you.

The sales tasting is useful, but it’s not everything. You will want to form an opinion on the food (if it’s bad, that is a very bad sign), and also on the way you are treated. Is it a mechanical experience, or are the staff attentive and thoughtful? Are you made to feel special, or like one of many?

Ask questions. Can you make changes? Do menus change seasonally? Will your dish be as you have seen it, or are the vegetable and starch “chef’s choice”? How do they accommodate special requests, such as vegetarian or Kosher? How long has the chef been with the venue, and will he be on site for your wedding? If not, who will? What are the wine options? If it is “house”, you will want to know what that is. And you should take notes, and recap the note in future correspondence to the venue.

Here are some other indicators:

Reputation. But you want to make sure that the reputation is based on the kinds of experiences that you are looking for (a restaurant that is know of as the best in town does not mean that it can replicate the experience on a banquet scale.)

Search the web and blogs. Try to find other people who have had weddings there (newspaper wedding announcements usually mention where the wedding occurred.) Don’t depend only on references provided by the venue.

Look for clues outside of the “sales cycle.” Visit the venue discretely. Are the rest of the staff eager to assist? Are people smiling? This will tell you a lot about the venue’s culture. Perhaps the sales person is charming and professional, but don’t forget the snooty receptionist.

Is there is a restaurant associated with the venue? Do they manage other food outlets elsewhere? Have dinner there. How’s the service? The food?

Once you have done all of that, trust your instincts, make a decision, and be thrilled with the decision you have made!

Next: Part 2 – After the contract is signed.

Sunset

Here's a nifty little website: www.sunrisesunset.com. It's a good thing to know when the sun will set on the day of your wedding, especially if part of the festivities will occur outdoors. You might want get married as the sun is setting. Or you could adjust the timing a bit so that guests can enjoy the sunset over cocktails, before being invited to be seated for dinner.

If you do incorporate the sunset into your plans, there are two things you will want to do:

• discuss it with your photographer, you will want to make sure that the photographer is not hampered by the sun.

• make sure that everyone else knows, otherwise you might find the banquet captain unknowingly inviting your guests to be seated before the sun sets.

"You saved my wedding" - why reading between the lines is so important

Yesterday my dear friend Daphne said to me "Richard, you saved my wedding." What? I didn't do anything. And I certainly didn't plan your wedding."

Then she reminded me that several months ago she had asked me to look at her hotel contract. She had chosen a hotel in the Caribbean. It was part of a large chain of extremely luxurious hotels. After looking at the contract - a lengthy one that freely used industry jargon such as minimums and guarantees - I called the hotel for clarification on some of the terms. The staff was exceptionally courteous, efficient - and unbending. Would have been perfect for Polk, Bird, Wells and Sebring PC, but not for Daphne.

It helps to know Daphne a bit. She is what I call MBC - Manhattan Bohemian Chic. She's a savvy New Yorker with a spiritual "Zen style" quality. I told Daphne that the hotel would execute perfectly. But, as you probably know, perfect execution is not the source of warm and fuzzy. Here was a perfect hotel and a completely wrong fit. So Daphne tore up the contract and booked the Montpelier Inn. Not a perfect hotel (albeit a very very good one), but definitely a perfect fit. And the wedding was perfect, and now Daphne and her husband are beginning their perfect lives!

Read between the lines. Perfect is not the same as perfect fit. It needs to be right, and it needs to feel right. Let your heart have it's say before you sign on the bottom line.

Reasons to Hire a Wedding Planner - #1 and Intro

There are lots of reasons to hire a wedding planner (and sometimes reasons not to.) Rather than provide a list, I will, over the next couple months, pepper this blog with reasons. And here's the first one: as planners, we know more vendors than you do. After all, they seek us out. We receive letters, emails, samples, demo tapes and more every day. And our access to these resources increases the likelihood that you will hire just the right one for your wedding.

Jack Welch on hiring a wedding planner

Although Jack Welch consistently tops the lists of most admired business leaders. he hardly seems like the man to turn to for advice on planning your wedding. After all, he is on wife number three. Yet I was intrigued by a column he recently wrote for Business Week (ironically, co-authored by his current wife Suzy Welch, formerly the "other woman" when he was married to wife number two.)

The column was about bad hiring decisions and how important it is to act quickly when things go sour. It is the same with your vendors. Perhaps a friend told you how great this florist is, and you were dazzled by their work. You signed a contract. But now, you think you made a mistake. Understandably, you want to change, but if you do so you will lose your deposit.

Move on. It is just like the bad hire that you hope will turn around but never does. It sucks, but cut your losses. You will be so happy you did. And so very unhappy if you don't.

25 Year Rule

Should I or should I not invite them? Sometimes it's easy, especially with acquaintances. It tends to be distant relatives that you rarely if ever see that present the toughest challenge. Then I use the 25 year rule, which is this:

If you think that there is a chance that at some point during the next 25 years they might become important to you, you should invite them.

Why? Your lives are about to change dramatically, and so will your circle of friends, both family and non-family. These people that you are not inclined to invite could become very close. And if you plan to have children, your kids could become close to their kids. It would be a shame to always regret not having invited these people. And why 25 years? Well, if you do have children, 25 years will get them past college. And it's certain that by then you will have forgotten the cost of those extra meals.

A little negotiating trick

Chances are that the person who is selling you the catering, the photography, or anything else has a quota. And chances are that it's a monthy quota. In which case, you should love the end of the month. He or she has a number to make, and there you are offering $20,000 for the $25,000 package. But all he needs is $20,000 to make quota, and there you are!

Of course, it's not just weddings, it can be anything. And it's really a win-win scenario, you stay within budget and he or she makes quota. Don't be shy!

The hours we keep

You just got engaged, and you can't wait to find the perfect site for your wedding. Yes, Mr. Catering Manager can meet with you Saturday at 3:00pm. But don't be late, because he has a 2:30 and a 3:30. You arrive, and it's doesn't feel right. Mr. Catering Manager doesn't seem to be all that excited, and you are. Well, it's hard - you are the 8th appointment he has had that day, and last night's event did not end until today, 2am to be precise.

Don't visit venues on Saturdays. Take a weekday off. As a former hotelier, I love Tuesdays. I've recovered from the weekend's events, I'm fresh and I am thrilled to meet you, Ms. Newly Engaged. You're the only bride I will meet today, and if you arrive late, that's ok, and if you need more time, that's ok too. I am there to help you turn your wedding dreams into reality. Please, take the time off from work, your boss will understand and you will be so much happier.

Fragrance at your wedding - and great news about Vow 2006

Please forgive us if we gloat - we will get over it quickly. But we are thrilled,

Vow 2006 (www.vowfragrance.com) - which we launched at the beginning of the year - was named by Brides Magazine to its “Best of 2006” list, a list of 100 most notable ideas and innovators within the wedding industry. Brides, a CondeNast publication, is as all you savvy brides know one of the country’s leading bridal magazines.

So I will mention something about your fragrance at your wedding. We want you to buy Vow (2006 if your wedding is this year, 2007 comes out in January), but even if you don’t, give some thought to your fragrance. Fragrance has the ability to bring back memories, in particular highly emotional memories, and that is very special and very powerful quality. This is not just marketing, it’s supported by vast scientific research, if you want to know more check out www.monell.org and www.senseofsmell.org.

Perhaps you will wear a new fragrance that you love, perhaps it will be the same fragrance you wore on your first date with Mr. Special, or perhaps it’s the one perfume you have always worn on special occasions. But please, think about your dress, your shoes and your fragrance.

Zagat Rated?!

No, this isn't about getting your wedding rated on Zagat. Even though you know that it would get top scores. It's about party favors. Party favors are great, but only when they say something about you. Not long ago I had a client, the bride was moving to France immediately after her wedding. Her husband-to-be was French, and Paris would be her new home. So all the guests received Paris Zagats with a custom cover (their names and the wedding date) and a message that read "Can't wait to see you in Paris." Hopefully by now their guests have used the guide to take the newly marrieds to all the best restaurants in the City of Lights! Incidentally, custom Zagat guides are surprisingly affordable.
Visit them at www.zagat.com or www.zagat.com/corporate.